10 sure-shot ways to become the perfect "shaadi material"

Cook, put others to sleep, behave, repeat.

Sonaakshi Kohli Sonaakshi Kohli Nov 13, 2017
Image for representational purposes only. Photo: Reuters

 

Disclaimer: You just can't tread on the agnipath of being the perfect marriage material without the acceptance of this one true fact: Your vagina and breasts make you liable to be born, be an agyakaari beti, turn into an izzatdaar bahu, and then finally be a mamta-bhari maa before you die.  Your own ambitions, dreams, talents, and hobbies are as important as Anil Kapoor's role in Mission Impossible 4.

But since you've clicked on the article, I assume, you're prepared to tread on this path of selflessness and righteousness. 

So here are ten sure-short ways to make your way out of the 'girlfriend material' club and enter into the more "prestigious" 'marriage material' club:

Take inspiration from SRK in Koyla

Ammi jaan kehti thi, silence is gold. I don't know how true that is, but silence is definitely the way to strike gold when it comes to getting married.

Before you get confused between the two SRK movies I am referring to here, let me break it down for you further: In the world of marriages, the way to a Raees' heart is through the dark Koyla tunnel. Basically, you've got to be the mute Shankar from Koyla and never voice your opinion or utter a word against your husband or his #fambam if you want to be the ideal Gauri (Madhuri Dixit).

But don't forget Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

For the simple reason that it echoes the thoughts of most Indian mothers, who prefer their daughters to be just like Anjali from KKHH's second half in order to seem more appealing to all the eligible Rahuls out there and their mommies.

Long hair, silver-painted nails, pretty georgette saris--it is only when the once "tomboyish", short haired Anjali gives up on her original identity and well--basketball, the two Khans (SRK and Salman) start swooning over her. Before that it's just Anjali, her tanhai, and her Rifat Bi, who too keeps asking her to do some "feminine" things in life.

All in all,short you've got to be fast in kitchen work and you've got to fast for your husband, but not be furious, whatsoever. Get it?

Join the Saif Ali Khan Hate Club

Not to express your displeasure over him choosing Kareena over you. But for making tattoos look cool and ruining your chances of being the ideal bahu in future.Because, the only tattoos you're allowed to have are those temporary henna tattoos/piya ke naam ki mehendi if you want to make it to the "perfect bride club". Wow!

Most importantly, you've got to be partially like Mary to Marry

Relax, dear self-proclaimed upholders of religious values, I am not asking you to convert. But a little inspiration from the VIRGIN Mother Mary won't hurt, right? Because in Monica Gellar's language, the first and the only maali of your "flower" must be your future pati.

In fact, you've got to be more virgin than the extra-virgin olive oil available in the market. So, no boyfriends/boy friends before or after marriage, okay?

Wait, do you think I just ruin my chances of being the perfect marriage material by calling pati dev a maali? Mujhe maaf karna, Om Sai Ram!

If you've noticed the maali comparison, I believe you're smart enough to notice the word "partially" in the heading too. I used it just to make sure that you know that unlike Mother Mary, you don't have to stay virgin after getting married and invoke kids. After marriage, you've got to please the maali in bedroom, and please his family outside of the bedroom.

You see, once he's your pati, the more (the sex), the Marrier--merrier, I mean.

Add Tenu Suit Suit Karda to your daily playlist

This, regardless of whether or not you like the goddamn song. You just have to let the lyrics sync in till the lines of the chorus become the core philosophy of your life and inspire you to throw all those mini skirts, jeans, crop-tops, and all things Western out of your wardrobe to embrace the one true chola of the quintessential sansakari girl--salwar-kameez.

 

Got a wedding to attend? There's heavily-embroidered salwar-suit to your rescue. Want to go out for lunch? Dig into your/your mother's wardrobe for, well--salwar suit. Got to hit the gym or go cycling? No points for guessing, tie your dupatta on one side and pair your suit with sports shoes.

On second thoughts, going out for lunch/playing sports can ruin your chances of making it to the "ideal bride society". So just shut the f**k up and practice yoga indoors and cook and have ghar ka khana ONLY.

Don't leave out Ragupati Raghav Raja Ram though

If you think having a name like Pooja/ Aarti/ Aradhna can give you an advantage over the Veronicas and Kiaras out there, you're right--but only to a certain extent. You've also got to be true to your name and practice pooja, archana, aradhna, and regular aartis.

Your journey to becoming the perfect shaadi material can become easier if you have a foot fetish

Since you'll have to bend and touch the feet of every elderly person that comes your way with a pallu on your head and haya in your eyes.

Your geometry skills have got to be on point

After all, if you can't make perfectly-round chapattis, you only deserve a perfectly-round zero.

Just make sure that you mug up recipes and make Sanjeev Kapoor/Tarla Dalal your best friend so that you can groom your cooking skills further and move past just being able to make Maggie in life.

Remember, the failure to do so may result in the "maa ke ghar se kuch seekh ke nahi aai" daag on your chunri.

Unlearn the English Alphabet

'A' for apple, 'B' for bong, don't be happy, you've got it all wrong.

Basically, it's P' for pati--not party, 'S' for sasuraal--not smoking, and 'D' for daal--not drinking, 'H' for haanji--not happy, 'M' for mummyji--not monkey. Do you 'U' for understand?

Considering, you're going to be embracing the huge change that comes with leaving your family to live with another, this must not be a big change for you, right?  

Copyright © 2017 Living Media India Limited. For reprint rights: Syndications Today.