Swapna Nair: The uncommon life of a common woman

When the Good Housekeeping team set out to look for the first "real woman" for its cover (that's how we addressed our non-celeb cover personality to-be) we put up a simple benchmark: The one that has the most inspiring story to tell will make it to our cover - it could be exceptional courage or resilience in face of a crippling setback; daring to do something out-of-the ordinary or a selfless act that raises the bar for compassion and empathy. We screened endless mails; all entries touched a chord here and there but when we came across a brief sum-up of Swapna Nair's life, we knew we had found the gem we were looking for - cut, chiselled and been through fire… and yet not a scratch, forget scar.

I walked into the hotel room and felt complimented - Swapna seemed greatly cheered by my arrival. A few hours with her and I realised this lady is on cloud nine most of the time. Her every emotion, be it pain or happiness, finds an effortless release in her free-spirited gestures. She is articulate; her zest is infectious and her energy, enviable - a far cry from her own past.

A LONG STORY SHORT

Born in Kerala, in a quaint town close to Kalady, Swapna had a happy childhood, albeit a conservative one; her family was rooted in the Nair community. Her brother, Manoj, came along when she was five and a half; the siblings were very close from the start. Her father was employed with the Indian Airlines and mother, a homemaker.

The family settled in Chennai in 1974 where Swapna continued with convent education; the nuns tried their best to control her boisterous streak. Recalls Swapna: 'I was pulled up all the time for being too talkative.' This sprightly girl graduated from Stella Maris, Chennai in 1986; the very next year she got the news - 'I am getting married, I was told.' To her father's casual query if she had any preference vis-à-vis her future husband, she replied: 'A tall man, preferably a Scorpion or a Cancerian.'

At 21, this starry-eyed Piscean got married to Rajiv, a "tall" engineer, working with Indian Oil. The in-laws had a condition: 'They did not want me to work after marriage and at that time I somehow said okay… I thought things could always change,' - an unfailing optimist, that's Swapna.

THE TEACHING CURVE

The couple moved to Digboi, Assam; soon after Swapna got an offer to teach English and Social Science at Carmel Convent school. She knew she had agreed not to work but decided to give this a shot, anyway. Rajiv was cold and silent for a while but eventually gave in, not so happily though. She was an extrovert, he was the reserved type - the yin and the yang had its usual share of fair play.

From Digboi, Rajiv was transferred to Silchar and it was here at Holy Cross school that Swapna's crusade to make the world a better place had a humble start. 'My students and I formed a social activity club called the "Titanic" (for some strange reason!). We would educate villagers on the outskirts about hygiene, clean drinking water and so on.' In 1989, her son Rohan was born. Mother-son shared a great bonding from the start. The two of them were alone most of the time since Rajiv worked late nights. Alongside, Swapna completed MA History (1992) and B Ed(1993) through correspondence.

Sadly, the "Titanic" sank - so to speak - when Rajiv had a change of heart about the north east. An earthquake, a flood, an ULFA attack and finally a landslide got him thinking and in 1996, the family moved to safer pastures - he got a job in Saudi Arabia and it was while the family was in Riyadh that the first bolt fell.

TROUBLE COMES IN PAIRS

It was in 1998, while packing for a trip back home that Swapna got the news that her brother was no more - a fatal bike accident in Dubai had got the better of him. Manoj was just 26 and on the verge of starting a new life. 'He had just told me a few days back that he was in love and I was convincing our parents to let him marry outside the community… and then this. It was a shock that my parents have still not recovered from. It is still difficult…,' Swapna breaks down, recalling the nightmarish days.

The family relocated to Chennai, to Swapna's parents' house - Rajiv wanted to return to India too and found a job in Chennai. Swapna came back to broken parents. Even her marriage hit the lowest low. Rajiv lost his cool easily and Swapna would compromise and bear it for her parents' sake. It was a period of mourning that sucked up all positivity but Swapna could not share her grief with anyone - her parents were devastated and her own family was in a dysfunctional state. Just when things were beginning to normalise, her husband had a cardiac arrest and passed away, all too suddenly, in 2001.

Swapna was stunned. It was another bolt from the blue. She was 34 and had nowhere to turn. Her parents were beyond solace, having first lost their son and now son-in-law. Her in-laws were of no emotional or financial support. In fact, they were never 'in the picture' -says Swapna.

'It was the worst of the worst… the absolute rock bottom, emotionally, yes… but also financially. When I used to ask Rajiv if he had a life insurance, he would retort - "Do you want me to die?"... Life is so unpredictable…,' an otherwise articulate Swapna speaks in fragments.

It was during these hard times that mother and son realised the true worth of every penny. 'I was teaching at the Chinamaya Vidhyalaya and had a salary of `8000… I started counting every penny and became stingy. It was all about whether we "really need" something or want it, and somehow that's stuck.' Not the stinginess but appreciating the real value of things - of what one has. She took up a course in web designing, hoping to add to her income. To keep the ball rolling, the parents' house had to be sold off and they all moved into a smaller apartment. The days passed painfully with Swapna barely managing to go on.

'ENOUGH IS ENOUGH'

And then came the turning point - actually, a simple realisation that she had to live on for Rohan. After a couple of weeks of Rajiv's demise, 12-year-old Rohan came to his mother and said: 'Every room I go, I see people crying… what am I to do?'. He had shown her the mirror and she realised she had to make a life, not just a living. Ironically, when Swapna tried to bounce back, instead of getting encouragement, she was accused by friends and relatives on making "too quick" a comeback. But Swapna would not be pushed down. 'I started dressing up normally and joined as headmistress of a community school in 2002 - Sornammal Education Trust that worked for the Kurava community (gypsies who live on the pavements or open areas) and got a small salary.' The money was important but it also turned out to be perfect therapy for her own pain.

Shares Swapna: 'I started taking each day as it came. Since then, I have met life's every challenge head-on. The past is not a good place to stay in; my parents are still living there, so I know.' Swapna also started visiting people who had lost family members in her extended circle; students who had lost their parents. She sat with them and inspired them to move on - it helped her cope with her own loss.

THE TURNING WHEELS OF FORTUNE

The year 2009 brought cheers to Swapna. She travelled to the US after being selected for the Teaching Excellence Achievement award - under this 120 teachers from all over the world converge in Washington for a six-week intensive study programme. 'This trip changed my outlook towards life and work. I got a new focus - "how to reach out to people more". I also developed an interest in psychology and counselling.'

When she came back all energised, another surprise awaited her - Dr Ramesh Iravatham, doctorate in Biochemistry, running his own diagnostic lab business. They met at a friend's place and he asked her out. 'For him it was love at first sight. I was taking it slow but enjoyed his company. He made me laugh like I hadn't laughed in years… I couldn't tell my parents I was going on a date, so I told them I was going out with friends,' she laughs. 'I found it hard to believe that an Indian man could give so much space, could be so selfless. Over the years I had become a very cynical person. He was the giver, and ironically that is what I had a hard time accepting… having been the giver in all my relationships.'

They got married in 2010 (second marriage for both). Swapna's parents reluctantly gave in - they were all too wary of a "love marriage" (their doubts have rested; today Ramesh is like a son to them). By now, both Ramesh and Swapna had grown-up sons who were ready for marriage too.

In 2013, when Rohan was 24, he got married to his long-time sweetheart and is now studying management at Kellog School of Management, Chicago. His wife works for the Bank of America. For his higher education, Swapna didn't need to spend a penny. Rohan received an all-paid scholarship to Singapore to study engineering, plus a $500 stipend.

She has reasons to be proud of him. 'Today he is my guru,' she says. 'Through the journey, we've accepted each other as we are. He was the first person I broke the news of remarrying to and he was so happy for me.' Ramesh's son is settled in Hyderabad now and is on good terms with Swapna.

ALWAYS A LEARNER

Three decades since her first job in Digboi - Swapna continues to teach… and learn. She studied and taught while riding the choppy waters; won accolades and has travelled the world on exchange programmes. Also, she completed her MPhil in 2005 before her second marriage. After marriage, Ramesh encouraged her to do an MSc in Psychotherapy and Counselling to bolster her new-found focus; he in fact saw to it that nothing stood in the way of her studies.

'I want to break the myth that we can't continue learning after a certain age or post marriage. If you set your mind to it, you can do anything,' says the raring-to-go Swapna.

OF SERVICE TO OTHERS

Today Swapna's horizons have broadened and how! Incredible challenges notwithstanding, she's determined to help others. She is currently attached as a resident school counsellor with an international school in Chennai. In addition, she has started a professional counselling practice at home - The Sanctum. She gets clients from all walks of life… ' People with suicidal thinking and victims of domestic violence are common among the poor. Then there are students looking for academic guidance or seeking help with exam fear or stress… also relationship issues. Parents mostly have trouble brewing with their teenagers or they come in to seek counselling for Empty Nest Syndrome (when children leave home for studies or after marriage). Cases of emotional abuse and infertility-related stress are on the rise,' shares Swapna.

She has also floated a small training company (in partnership with an exclassmate) called Edulife* (see box on previous page) and she is the brainchild behind Help2Grow* (see box on previous page), an NGO that helps the underprivileged in all ways possible. For instance, she recently networked with friends and strangers to raise donations in cash and kind for orphans and blind inmates of Tansowa - a home for the abandoned. Help2Grow also conducted a faculty development programme in association with Pudiyador - an NGO that works with children belonging to the fishermen community. Next on the anvil is a new project 'Share 1% Care 100%' that will motivate people to give one percent of their time or money to social causes. Swapna has turned every setback that came her way on its head - through service she has found new strength