5 things that can totally cure homosexuality

Yoga can be your best bet. Twitter/AkhilKatyal

Everything has a cure in the world. Be it love, loneliness, or even douchebaggery for that matter. You can ward just anything away. But can you cure homosexuality? Damn right you can! Remember how tantriks used to use their trusty jhaadus to thwart evil? You can cure homosexuality that easily, contrary to popular beliefs.

So, if you have ever wondered how you can straighten up your gay best friend (pun intended), you have come to the right place. Here are five things you can do.

Listen To Baba Ramdev And Do Some Yoga
Yoga can cure anything from arthritis to heart ache and paunches--there is no reason why it shouldn't also be able to cure homosexuality. Baba Ramdev is definitely a genius! After all, he claimed that he can 'cure' gays with yoga. How amazing is that?

I mean no gay man or a woman will ever have to face any bullying if they do yoga because they won't be gay anymore. The minute you start doing pranayam, your gayness will slowly leave your pran each time you exhale!

Alas! I have been doing yoga ever since I was a child and the only thing that actually happened was that I got more gay as I grew up!

Also read: How to successfully spot a lesbian in a room full of women

If You Are A Gay Man, Lock Yourself Up In A Room With A Girl
This cure is courtesy, none other than Baba Ramdev again! Didn't I tell you he was a genius? It's very simple actually. All you need to do with someone who's gay is ship him off to Ramdev's Haridwar ashram where the yoga guru will lock him in a room with a girl for a couple of days. By the time the person is let out, they'd have been 'cured'. Hurrah!

Because of course being with someone from the opposite sex you are not even attracted to can change everything, right?

You Can See a Shrink To Literally Shrink Your Gayness
Did you think your therapist could only help with your depression? You are wrong. At least that's what the ex-president of the Indian Psychiatric Society and a professor of Benaras Hindu University thinks.

According to Indira Sharma, those uncomfortable with their homosexuality could seek psychiatric treatment and some may even be able to change their orientation!I'm pretty sure if I mention this to my therapist, she'll actually start judging me. *internally sobbing*

Acupuncture Your Gay Away
In 2015, a homeopathy blog (I'll wait for you to stop laughing) claimed that gay people can be 'cured' through alternative therapies including acupuncture.

According to the blog, homosexuality occurs when life force flows "from the top back to the anus" and causes a "blockage in the first and second chakra". There is so much science in this one sentence that the blog is being considered for a Nobel Prize.

Also read: 4 laws that can actually benefit gay men and women in India

However, the sad part is that every doctor (at least the sensible ones) would agree that magic needles can't really do much to stop you being gay.

Head Off To A Gay Camp

Remember the movie But, I'm A Cheerleeder? The movie showed how this girl's parents, in order to make her straight, sent her off to conversion camp. Long story short, she came home with a girlfriend from the camp!

However, the gay conversion camp in Chechnya, Russia is much more serious than that. People who identify as gay are being rounded up and being beaten up, electrocuted, and detained. It's pretty scary, I tell you. As you may have rightly guessed, it's downright violation of human rights.

So what did we learn from these methods?

Well, let me spell it out for you--nothing can cure homosexuality. However, you can cure homophobia by telling people to live and let live. If they are scandalized by two men or two women kissing, they probably shouldn't look at them in the first place!

If someone is gay, they will be gay. You can't cure them--because it's not a disease. Because believe it or not, some people are just born this way! Listen to Lady Gaga for reference.