I am attracted to women, but engaged to a man. This is my story

I really love my fiancé, but physical attraction towards women comes naturally to me. Photo: Shutterstock/Indiapicture

While growing up, I had little interest in boys my age. In fact, if I clearly remember, my first crush was a girl who was two grades ahead of me. She was a school prefect and I would often purposely get into trouble so that she would come up to me and talk. Over the years, I grew out of my obsession, but the feeling still lingered on.

My friends would often crack jokes at my expense and some would even belittle me for my lack of interest in boys. But, it never really bothered me. I put the onus of my feelings on the code of conduct imposed by my family, which had a strict policy against dating boys in school.

But, when I did start seeing someone, my confused state of mind told me to think practically and go for what my family would accept. And since I didn't really have any homosexual friends back then, I assumed that my interest in the people of my sex was just a passing phase, which would eventually fizzle out.

So, when a male friend asked me out, I evaluated the pros and cons of a heterosexual relationship and said yes to him. Surprisingly, we are still going strong and engaged to each other.

However, when it comes to physical intimacy--I recoil. For years, I tried to ignore the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, indicating that something just wasn't right, and with time, it got stronger.

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In fact, what I tried to cover up consciously, came to back to haunt me in my dreams. I would often dream of a close female friend, someone who I was attached to in real life and I would wake up feeling uneasy. And this went on for a long time. Finally, when I could not keep these feelings to myself anymore, I decided to have a chat with a friend, who I knew would not judge me.

And it was then when I realized that I was indeed attracted to women and was bi-curious. Now, it may sound bizarre, but I really love my fiancé, but physical attraction towards women comes naturally to me. But, the burden of stereotypes is too much to bear for me. I feel exhausted at the thought of confronting every person I know, and justifying my choices. So, I decided to come clean to my boyfriend, not wanting to keep him in the dark.

Surprisingly, he told me that he had suspected the same. But, the decision was a moot one, since the ambiguity of my thoughts stopped me from taking any concrete decision.

So, here I am, still engaged to man I love very much, but somewhere deep inside my heart still lingers a thought that what if I am just surrendering to the norms of the society, without showing courage. What if?

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