Love is a neurochemical conspiracy and it's making my life miserable!

"Falling in love is easy, staying in it is the hard part."

I remember telling him this over a languid conversation late one night. I remember him trying to find the words to say he was falling for me too. Fast forward a few weeks later, we were both madly in love with each other. But just like I had predicted, we couldn't stay in it for very long.

He wasn't the first man I loved, and he won't be the last. You see, unlike, perhaps you dear reader, I find it awfully easy to fall in love. I have been heartbroken far too many times than I care to recount here. Yet, every romantic entanglement that comes my way evokes the same mushy feeling in me that forces my lips to utter those three perilous words: I love you.

Of course, it doesn't happen instantly--it takes a while. A while always means a couple of weeks in my case, give or take. It starts out easy: series of texts that aim to explore music choices and favourite movie genres. Then steadily, conversations reach the stage of life philosophies and world views, until somehow, we are sharing the most intimate details of our personal lives and can't wait to see each other again.

And then I fall. Even if they don't.

***

Last Saturday, I fell in love again. I had known him all of 15 days.

Psychologists would call this infatuation or attraction, fueled by hormones that make sure I daydream about my partner all-day long, and mistake it for love.

My male friends would call me clingy, while my female ones would look at me with disdain for once again diving in head first.

I agree with the experts though. What is love but a conspiracy of neurotransmitters and sex hormones?

The you're-the-one-that-I-want phase is nothing but oestrogen and testosterone taking over your body, because you find your partner sexually appealing. And when your heart races looking at him, that's not destiny ladies--that's adrenaline. Not to mention, dopamine makes you want to crave for him all day and serotonin ensures you can't possibly think of anyone else!

If you surpass these fleeting hormones, you'll be intercepted by the goalkeeper of love--oxytocin, the dreaded neuropeptide that intensifies feeling of love every time you hug him. And God forbid you end up in bed with him--which you will want to, desperately (thank you sex hormones for that!)--and he makes you orgasm, the oestrogen running through your veins will pep up the oxytocin thus released, sealing the deal for you.

So you see, from the time you make goo-goo eyes with him, your body is conspiring against you.

***

Perhaps wise women and men know the difference between preliminary attraction and real love, while fools like me rush in.

But take away the wisdom to know better, and you've got a heart full of longing and a body of full manipulative hormones. And let me tell you folks, that's never a good combination and it's driving me insane!

I am not desperate for love, don't get me wrong. I just find it terribly difficult to take it slow. I mean, how long am I supposed to talk about Batman vs. Superman anyway, before I jump ship to bigger things in life, like hopes and dreams. From there it doesn't take too long to share life stories and find that one aspiration you have in common--and boom! That's where those blasted hormones kick in, and I begin falling. Just like I am now.

No matter how hard I try to resist the urge to be head over heels in love, attraction, affection or whatever you want to call it, I fail every time. In those initial days, my beloved can do no wrong--so what's if he's still weeping over his ex and I am clearly a rebound for him (true story, but we'll get to that later). It'll pass, because endorphins have me believing that he's goddamn perfect.

Yes I concur: (neurochemical) love is essential. Hell, it literally makes the world go round. It also makes you feel like you're on the top world and gives you a high better than any drug. But when it's effects start wearing off--either for you or your partner--you can't help but wish the only electricity between you two was the kind that can lead to death via electrocution.

So thank you, regulatory substances produced in my body with heartbreaking side effects for gracing me with your presence. But can you please leave me alone now?