I let infatuation ruin my relationship, and I am still reeling from the guilt

You know that gut-wrenching feeling when you feel so unloved by the one you thought would never leave your side? How it makes your insides ache? It is as if you are out on your own on a cold night, and all you want is for that one person to come and hold you tight and kiss the pain away. In a bid to reach out to him, you extend your hand, hoping he would hold it and lead you out of the darkness--only to realize that this downfall might just be a freefall with no one to catch you in the end.  

It was probably the first time I felt this way--empty and lost. All I could think about was how he made me feel like I was living a fairytale; how we could just talk about anything in the world; and how perfect we were--until I fell for someone else.

"S, you are letting a third person in and if anything goes wrong, I will hold you responsible", he said when I befriended the somebody else at the gym.

I branded him as insecure, and what was brewing between me and the "third person" as friendship; but now I think he saw it coming before I had a chance to even realize what was happening.

I remember the day I confessed to having feelings for another and how it brought all his fears to reality. He broke down and pleaded me to stay. He tried, I know how hard he tried, not for days but for months, but I guess it took me too long to see that I was jeopardizing our beautiful relationship for infatuation.  Now after failing miserably to make things right, his words still echo in my head, "S, I am sorry, I don't have feelings for you anymore".

Yes, everyone makes mistakes. And while the realization that you've done something wrong can haunt you for a while, the guilt can just devastate you.  

Heart Versus Mind: Should I Stay or Should I go? After seeing him fight for me all these months, I was in a dilemma--should I fight for him the way he did for me, or let him go because I had already hurt him enough? Wasn't it selfish of me to want him back after what I had done to him?

 When Dejection Becomes Anger

During our last few meetings, he used to point out to my erratic behaviour and random outbursts, which stemmed from the utter frustration of seeing the indifference in his attitude. No matter how hard I tried, nothing seemed to bridge the gap between us. From standing outside my house until I agreed to meet him to ignoring my calls for days at an end--he had transformed into a man who had given up on me. I guess it is easier to get over someone you have a reason to hate. But how could I hate him, when I was the one who drove him away even when he wanted to stay?

Accepting What You've DoneMore often than not, I think we run away from our emotions rather than facing them. I knew the damage I had caused was irreparable. I knew wanting him back was selfishness. I could feel the anger and guilt taking over. But I also knew it was time to let go. As helpless as I felt at that point, I knew that the only way to do this was-firstly, by channelizing my anger into my work rather than self-destructive emotions; and secondly, by talking about how I felt to my best friend. When guilt overpowers you, you don't exactly feel like telling the world about it, but I needed to let it out of my system. Plus friends don't judge right?

Forgiveness and Learning a Lesson"Everyone makes mistakes. We are only humans, and it's OK. At least you realized yours. At least you have learnt something from this", my best friend said to me as I cried inconsolably. It is only after I regained my composure that I realized the depth of his words.

No, I am not defending my actions, but it is important to know that it is only human to err. In order to move on, you just need to own up for your mistakes, learn the lesson, and forgive yourself. I decided to do just that. No, I will never regret this, for it taught me some of the most important lessons of my life. Losing my first love only made me value the people close to my heart even more. It taught me that the thrill of an infatuation is not worth ruining your stable relationship for. Most importantly, it taught me how to forgive myself for making the mistakes I make.