Don't get your bananas in a bunch, and other things to say when men refuse to calm the hell down

Combating sexism with sexism, one man at a time.

Prapti Elizabeth Prapti Elizabeth Aug 11, 2017
If men can ask us women to calm our tits, why can't we tell them to not get their bananas in a bunch? Photo Courtesy: Shutterstock/India Pictures

 

Dear Men,

Let's get directly to the point. If you're still saying 'Soothe thy bosom' to women you're Klassless with a capital K. You're so deep down the pits of abomination, that pulling you out is superhuman effort, which I'm the millionth woman to make, in this century alone. I mean, when have bosoms ever gone against our wishes? Your mouse, on the other hand, has a brain of its own that works beyond your control. Despite which, 'calm tits' are your idea of peace and quiet--how does that even make sense?

And it does not stop there. Your idea of an insult to a panic stricken mate is telling him to not get his 'panties in a twist'. First of, it doesn't even make sense as an insult. If you'd know the money spent on lingerie alone, you'd realize that. Secondly, please stop. Because if we start doing what you do, this is what we'll sound like.

Keep the Mouse Back in The House

I understand, growing up with such entitlement makes you think you can flash anybody, anywhere. But here's something--nobody gives two hoots about you or your junk bro. Rein it in. C'mon!

Don't Get Your Balls/Bananas in a Bunch

Yeah man! Calm down! We'll get it all sorted. All we need to do is sit down and plan but you need to un-knot yourself. Calm down! Nobody Asked for Your Banana You got that right! Stop throwing your junk all over the place. Not everybody is interested in everything you have to say. Also, get over the fact that your opinions ain't as important as you think. Pack up that banana and show yourself the door.

Stop Cumming all Over The Place

For all the times you lost control over yourself, for all the drunken mess you created, and for all the women you (might) have sent unsolicited dick-pics to, stop cumming man. Just stop cumming!

 

 

Aim Your Piss Right

This is not even farfetched. Stop throwing yourself all over the place. In fact, this should become a real thing because it's something you actually need to be reminded of each time you go to the washroom. Like c'mon dude, seriously. It's not as big as you'd like to think.

 

Do You see The Hate, bro?

I mean, you clearly seem to know all the lady parts that jiggle and twist too well. Addressing cisgender men in particular--you should be the last dudes doing this. You love what you get between the sheets, you love what you see, you search the internet just to put the mouse back into its house (gross much?). Of all the ones out there, when you say this, you're fitting yourself into the last shelf of classless hypocrites and that's the lowest order of men intelligent women would hang out with. I mean, you're degrading what the mouse wants and the mouse wants what it wants. So...stop.

Also Read: Equating women with vaginas: What's wrong with the words slut and whore anyway?

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