I don't need those Patiala pegs to have fun. I'm fun enough sober

"At least have one drink, you fattu" is the most common reaction I get whenever I refuse to take a drink at a party. Which makes me want to reconsider my decision. Not my decision to refrain from drinking, but my decision to be polite in my refusal.

If only I could flip out my middle finger and go "No MOFOs, I don't need that s**t". But etiquette is a cool thing and hence they are saved from wrath.

But I really don't get why I get such reactions. I can have fun without alcohol, peeps. It's as simple as that.

I'm Not In The Running For The Filmfare Award For The Best Actress

I remember this school friend of mine,  who would dwell on half a glass of wine right through a four-hours party and act more intoxicated that Medussa. I'm talking wine here, mind it. So it's not like a neat shot of Everclear (with almost 95 per cent alcohol content) that it can knock you down or even make you jump on the lounge's couche singing out songs at the top of your voice. The one thing that this woman taught me was how not to try acting like you're high because no one's foolish in life. She still is the butt of my friend group's alcohol jokes. So am I, but unlike her, I am not famous for my acting skills.

Neither Am I Pankaj Udhas
Apart from bringing out your inner Naseeruddin Shah, alcohol also has the super power of bringing forth your singing abilities. I really respect this aspect of it though. It helps you differentiate between happily single people from the aashiqs. As for the aashiqs, they start singing ye jo halka halka suroor hai with such depressing conviction, that even I begin to miss their exes.

All the crying over the phone and drunk-texting--Well, let's not even go there.

What's The Fun In Gulping Down a Tasteless Spirit That Burns Your Throat?

Considering that a heartbreaker dude has already made life miserable, why would you want to want to experience that terrible burning sensation of those neat shots?

They Don't Invest Crores In That trippy Music Just Like That
That trippy music is actually trippy--even sans the alcohol in your already f***ed-up system. Try it once.

Plus, I've Got My Own Trip
Thanks to all those acting up around. I derive my fun out of being a spectator witnessing your next day's regrets. And just like you, I too will have stories to tell--all about your idiosyncrasies though.

And That Trip Lasts Beyond One Night

Because unlike the drunk-ass kewl dudes, I don't have to nurse a headache (or a heartache) and nausea the next day. I've got no hangover scenes.

I 'm Stupid Enough When I Am Sober, I Don't Need Alcohol to Worsen My Case
I say stupid because that's how your regretful ass describes your last night's doings. On a serious note, I am a confident-ass dancer, I can kill it on the dance floor without a spirit f***ing my mind. I don't need it to let it loose. I am a flexible person by default (god's gift, because not having alcohol also makes me forget modesty) so I don't need alcohol to let it loose and enjoy.