How to be the most ideal Hindu woman

If you sit down to think about it, our existence has a purpose. While most of us spend our lives searching for that purpose--there are some women out there, who don't have to do any soul-searching. Their purpose of life is served to them on a platter if they are lucky enough to be born in a Hindu household. And needless to say, the purpose is to be the ideal Hindu woman.
 
Being the ideal Hindu woman is also the ideal ambition to have in life in order to fulfill the criteria of being the ideal Hindu woman. So, apart from the very obvious aversion to vulgar things like celebrating Valentine's Day, keeping your hair tied to avoid sexual thoughts, and avoiding foods such as chow mein--here's how you can achieve the ultimate goal of perfecting the art of being a Hindu woman.

Be Unconditionally Sanskaari

I've always looked up to Aamir Khan for being a thorough perfectionist. Taking inspiration from him (despite him being Muslim by the virtue of religion) to get into the skin of the character, I am typing this story with one hand since I have an aarti ki thaali in the other. Because that also happens to be one of the first prerequisites of being the quintessential goody-goody Hindu girl, right?

The fact that my mind is everywhere else but in any sort of pooja, god, or meditation and the fact that after this story, the thaali will be replaced with a glass of wine to get over the stress, is another thing altogether. But hello! If Poo can become Parvati, why can't I be Tulsi Virani, at least for a bit? After all, it's all about portraying yourself to be the ultimate sanskaari woman despite what goes on in your head, right?

Also read: We live in the medieval age. Hindu Janajagruti Samiti's post on why women's loose hair leads to evil thoughts is proof!

Cover Your Head With a Pallu For Effect

Had it not been for the back-combed, puff on my head, I would have even covered my head with a pallu. But unfortunately, I care about my hairstyle a lot more. Will the gods punish me for this?

Well, if you too are facing the same dilemma, don't worry. Spending two hours in the temple or just taking a few dubkis in Haridwar's clean-as-Bisleri-Ganga can absolve you of your sins. But make sure you commit these sins only when you are not on your period. Because otherwise, your impure ass won't be able to visit any of the holy places.
 
Hate the Kkkkk…Khan's

Because they slaughter our gau mata (whose skin we use for our fancy leather bags) to satisfy their taste buds. Because they aren't human beings like we are.

Also, being Hindus, we've got to have gratitude. Hence, we've still honour the Britishers and the Hindu-Muslim divide that they created as a token of thanks to them for building colonies and railway tracks for us.

Add Your Pati Parmeshvar to Your 'To-Worship' List
After you are done with all the gods and the goddesses, and your parents, and saasu-maa, you've got to seek blessings from your godly husband, who in all probability throws off his socks and shoes in different corners of the house after coming back from office. But gathering them and putting them in the washing machine is a good way of doing his charan-sparsh.

Also, in case he ill-treats you in any way, remember pati ke ghar se sirf arthi uthegi and you'll be just fine.

T-ake Care of Your Diet

Not in terms of nutrition, but in terms of what you eat on particular days of the week. Even if you're a liberal, open-minded Hindu, don't touch non-vegetarian food on Tuesdays and Thursdays, because they aren't like the other days of the week. On days that start with the letter 'T', you've got to follow these diet rules to the T.

Also read: Excuse me, I do not want to worship a phallus anymore.

Style Yourself Right: Your Little Black Dress Is Incomplete Without a Not-So-Little Black Teeka

Sorry, change the LBD to a sari, please. Also, always remember, being a Hindu girl, makes you susceptible to buri nazars of the rapists, perverts, and of the jealous aunties and their daughters too.

To counter that, never step out of the house without a kaala teeka. If for some odd reason, you're not willing to waste your MAC kohl pencil over this, then head straight to the fridge, take out a lemon and a couple of green chilies, open Pinterest, check out a DIY-jewellery tutorial, and make a bracelet out of them.

Wear it around your tender, feminine wrists for protection and well-a great style statement. You can also add an orange teeka to complete your look, because orange is the new black.