I don't want my hourglass figure. I was happier when I looked like a boy

My body has changed but I haven't.

Anonymous Naari Anonymous Naari
जुलाई 05, 2017
Yes, now I have breasts. But, please stop making me feel apologetic about it. Photo Courtesy: Facebook/KStewFC


Oh! How the time flies. Just a few years ago, people had trouble deciding whether I was a boy or a girl, thanks to my straight physique and boy-cut hair. But now, they call me a woman. When puberty hit--and it hit quite hard--my body went from straight and flat to curvy and bountiful, and that became a dead giveaway. Not that I always wanted to look like a boy or had a problem with my gender, but life was so much fun when I did. And there's not one, but a million reasons why I am not okay with the feminine landscapes sculpting my body. Yes, some of them are a product of my own imagination, but they persist nonetheless.

It's Just Hard Trying To Accept The Change

When you look a certain way for a very long time, it's really difficult to look in the mirror and see a stranger stare back at you. No, I am not talking about the paranormal here, but my own psychological demons. I was used to seeing bony hands, a flat chest, and a tiny waist. But, now it's the curves of a woman I see. For most women, it's really not that hard to acknowledge and accept their growing bodies. But, for some reason I have not have not been able to. And here's why.

Because I Had More Freedom To Enjoy Back When I Looked Like a Boy
My mom and dad were really strict while I was growing up. But, unlike many set of parents around me, I was bestowed with logical amount of freedom. However, I later realized that it was due to the fact that I used to look like a boy. So, that gave me the credit to roam the streets on a bicycle till it got dark--something that no other girl in my family could do. But, all of it changed overnight when I grew breasts and my hips got wider. And it sucked. So, don't sue me for saying that I did not take to my freedom getting snatched from me really well.

And it led to another problem...

The Unwanted Attention
Yes, it does feel good when someone compliments you. But, it's creepy as hell when someone lustily stares at your assets and passes obscene comments. So, after my body started to change, I became a victim of eve teasing. Something that had never happened to me before. And maybe this led to me despising my own body.


Having no idea how to cope with unwanted attention, I began to camouflage my curves by donning really loose clothes. However, it was not just me who had turned into a fashion critic, my parents too turned into the fashion police. And this brings us to another sad part...

I Was Constantly Told What To Wear
I had so many rules to follow once my gender-based biological parts started to get attention. I was rebuked for wearing a t-shirt that was too tight, or a neckline that was too plunging. But, the problem here was that I was wearing the same clothes that I used to, and no one had ever batted an eyelid. But, thanks to my growing form, the normal neckline now put my cleavage on display and the t-shirts stretched over my budding breasts.

This led to my obsession to fit into my old clothes hoping to go back in time.

My Old Clothes Became Memorabilia
Clothes were no longer just pieces of fabric to me, they turned into souvenirs of a much happier time. In fact, I would spend hours trying to fit into clothes from my teenage years.

But, whenever someone asked me if I would have been happier born as a boy, the answer was never yes. I really don't mind being born a female, but the burden that comes along with it really stings. And more than anything else, it's the physical form that's the enemy.

Also read: "Your husband will feel he's married a man," and other things I've been told for having small breasts

Also read: I am a tomboy and I am not happy about wearing a lehenga on my wedding day

 

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