5 things I wish I could tell every guy my parents set me up for an arranged match

 

You know the feeling you get when you order this fancy, skimpy gown online and it turns out to be more disastrous than Taher Shah's 'angelic' kurtas? It's definitely frustrating to receive something totally different from what you expect. But you know what? At least in this case, you can file for a return or demand an exchange from the misleading website. You can even tell them the exact reason for your displeasure and never give them business again. In fact, you can even vent out your anger by calling the customer care and giving them an earful.

But, what if you were to simply hold back your frustration post opening your parcel and forcefully put on a smile instead of simply throwing the dress on your bed with utter disgust? Well, that's exactly the kind of experience I usually have when I meet some potential suitors that my parents/their friends/other family members/distant relatives/matrimonial service agents have set me up with.

No matter how disappointingly different those men are from their precariously photo shopped pictures in their wedding biodata, I just can't express my disappointment when sitting in a serious arranged-marriage meeting with them.

Here are five things, however, I wish I could say to them out loud:

1. The first and the most obvious question that comes to my mind is simply this: Darling, were you wearing heels in your photographs? Not that I can't see it for myself, but as they always say, communication paves way for a healthy relationship. So, why not set the base right by clearing out misunderstandings?

2. In fact, when you ask me to lead the way to our 'separate table', I know that you aren't exactly being chivalrous. I know what you are checking out. But remember honey, hips do lie and so does Shakira. Otherwise going by how much I disliked you in the first look and how much your actions disgust me, an AK-47 would have emerged from my derrière and killed you already. Or maybe, for the next meeting I could just stick a 'Stop it, you pervert' sticker on the backside of my jeans. Non-verbal communication too is an active part of a relationship, after all.

3. Oh, don't tell me you're an "occasional" drinker, because I know every night is an "occasion" for you. Maybe your drinking habits are like that of Shah Rukh Khan's in Devdas. Or worse still, what if you turn out to be like Abhay Deol from Dev D?

4. Yes, I can't exactly figure out your drinking patterns within ten minutes of meeting you, and I would have given you some benefit of doubt, had you not been dressed in a Burberry shirt, Ferragamo belt, Armani jeans, Gucci shoes, and a Rado watch. Oh my dear Prince charming, you probably even get your your waffles made in a Louis Vuitton waffle-maker. But you know what? Your money doesn't excite me. However, what excites me is your ability to be a perfect mannequin at DLF Emporio.

5. If you aren't so pleased with being a live mannequin in life, then you could turn to marketing too. But, I'm not sure if you would be successful at it. Because you know what? When you're trying to literally make yourself look like a lucrative bachelor on the block by showing off your cars and businesses, you're failing miserably. Your bragging isn't doing anything more than simply turning me off.

Also read: The diary of a 24-year-old eligible bachelorette, who is mentally unprepared to get married.